Ahhhhh fuck me

Next week, on the 22nd of September, it’s FYB week. Everyone in my faculty is gearing up for it...taking photos, making plans, getting excited about celebrating the end of four years in university. But me? I don’t feel like going.

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‎FYB week is meant to be this big send-off: your classmates and faculty members come together to mark your final days in school, to celebrate the grind, the stress, the survival of it all. On the surface, it sounds fun, maybe even unforgettable. But for me, it just feels exhausting...and, if I’m being honest, a little shallow.

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‎From my very first semester in 100 level, I’ve been dragging myself through school. Going to class but not learning. Sitting there but not reading. Watching my grades sink. By 300 level, I had seven carryovers. Now I’m here as a spillover student. With all that, what exactly am I supposed to celebrate?

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‎It doesn’t feel like I’ve achieved anything worth the hype. I also never had the “university experience” people talk about. No first-month girlfriend. No messy breakups. No hostel hookups. No wild house parties or bonfire nights where your eyes wander across the crowd like telescopes. None of it. And because of that, I don’t just feel unfulfilled in school...I feel unfulfilled in life.

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‎If I go, I can already picture it: I show up, plaster on a fake smile (the kind Agnes wore in WandaVision), pose for a few “fit pics” with my course mates, then go home. The next day, the same thing again. And for what? I’d rather skip.

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‎The truth is, when I do things I genuinely want to do...like the picnic I went for recently...I actually enjoy myself. I had a great time there. But FYB week doesn’t feel like that. It doesn’t feel like mine.

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‎When I finished writing all this down, I realized the real reason behind it: I don’t have real friends in university. Most of the people I connected with in 100 level, I no longer speak to. I didn’t build friendships in my department either. Maybe I should have, maybe I could have...but now it feels too late. And the thought of standing alone in the middle of all that celebration? That’s what really makes me sad.